Sometimes Control Isn't a Good Thing
by 55artix
Summary: Peter develops an eating disorder after Infinity War. The stress of trying to balance being a superhero and a teenager takes a toll on him and by the time he even realizes he has a problem, he's already knee deep into his unhealthy coping mechanisms. Tony does his best to help Peter recover and in the process reveals a struggle/secret that few people know about.
1. Chapter 1

Control. That's what it started out as. It was just a way to feel a sense of something when life got hectic. Trying to balance schoolwork and "Spider-manning" had become increasingly difficult, and life had begun to feel chaotic. He was constantly worried about letting May and Tony down by not keeping his grades up, or letting the people of Queens down by not saving as many people as possible. It was just a way to cope with the stress. Peter had never meant for it to become something that controlled him.

It started out small. Just leaving a few bites on his plate after meals, or eating the amount a normal person without an enhanced metabolism would have to eat. Before he knew it, he began cutting out "bad foods" like soda, chips and candy. Pretty soon, Peter began limiting his carb and fat intake, telling himself it was healthier anyway, and before he knew it, his meals consisted of nothing but steamed lean meats and vegetables.

Before he knew it, his weight began to drop rapidly. While Peter had never had body image issues in the past and was well aware that he was nowhere near fat, he couldn't help but feel proud when he began to notice that his nerdy science t-shirts were starting to hang off of his smaller frame, or that his jeans were starting to sag as his waistline began to shrink. Schoolwork had become increasingly difficult to keep up with as he began spending more time going out as Spider-Man and less time sleeping. As his grades began to slip from A's to B's, it felt good to accomplish something, even if that something was dropping weight that would damage his health.

Peter began weighing himself. He felt pride every time he lost a pound and shame every time the scale went up a pound or stayed the same. The numbers became an obsession, and they began occupying his every thought.

The obsession with numbers turned into counting calories. At first, the number started out at around 9,000 calories, the amount Peter calculated that he needed to maintain his weight with his enhanced metabolism. The number soon decreased to 2,500 calories a day, after all, that was the recommended amount for the average adult male. Pretty soon, Peter got rid of his calorie goal all together and decided to eat as little as possible, and tracked the few calories that he did eat when the hunger became unbearable.

By the time anyone caught on to what was going on, Peter was already deep into his destructive habits. Of course, he had a hand in hiding the problem via clothes and small lies he would tell Tony, May, Ned and MJ, like "I ate while I was out on patrol", or "I feel a bit nauseous right now, I'll eat later". Later never came.

—

"Hey Mr Criminal, don't you know that it's rude to threaten an old lady with a gun?" Peter taunted a mugger one night out on patrol.

The mugger Peter was attempting to take down should've just been another run of the mill criminal. On any other day, Peter's Spidey sense would've warned him that if a criminal was about to turn a gun in his direction, and would've webbed up the weapon and the criminal before they even had a chance to shoot. However, with Peter only eating a small fraction of what his body needed, his powers were acting up. While he was able to narrowly dodge the bullet with an impressive backflip, and stall long enough for the old lady to run away, he was unable to web up the criminal in time and the mugger ran off.

"Karen, where'd he-" Peter was unable to finish his sentence as the edges of his vision began to darken. He was falling face forward onto the concrete as he lost consciousness.

—

"NO YOU CAN'T CRYYYYYY PRETTTTTYYYYY YEAH…" Tony belted as he worked on updating the Iron Spider suit. After the whole "Infinity War" debacle with Thanos, Peter's suit had taken quite the beating and Tony was determined to make it invincible as he could not bear the pain of losing Peter again. As for why he was blasting a Carrie Underwood song in his lab, let's just say that Tony had a guilty pleasure of listening to the amazing artistry that was country pop. After Peter had introduced him to "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift, he couldn't get enough of the stuff (not that he would admit it to any of the Avengers, they would never let him live it down).

"EMERGENCY ALERT: BABY MONITER PROTOCOL" Friday interrupted Tony mid-way through his rather impressive vocals. Tony immediately dropped the screwdriver he was holding and activated his nano-tech suit.

"What's going on Fri, is Peter okay? Show me his vitals right now," Tony frantically yelled as he began flying towards Peter's current location.

"It appears that Peter is currently unconscious as a result of low blood sugar. According to Karen, it seems as if Peter has not eaten since yesterday morning."

"What, why would Peter go out patrolling without eating? How has he not eaten since yesterday? I know that kid has no sense of self-preservation, but with his enhanced metabolism, he shouldn't go two hours without food!" Tony exclaimed in terror. Tony had already lost the kid once when he turned to ash in his arms, his damaged heart wouldn't survive if he lost Peter again.

"Karen has informed me that Peter has been keeping detailed logs of his calorie intake in his suit logs. His average daily intake is around 500 calories a day. Peter has also kept detailed logs of his weight. According to his charts, he has lost over 30 pounds in the past month. His body is showing signs of starvation not unlike an individual suffering from Anorexia Nervosa," Friday replied, a hint of concern seeping into the AI's voice.

Tony would have fallen out the sky had he been in charge of piloting the suit and not Friday. A stream of old memories of a fourteen year old with a feeding tube began to cloud his vision. The numbers, the rituals, the screams from Howard Stark to get his "goddamn shit together" and to stop "being a sissy". _God, how could I have missed this?_


	2. Chapter 2

Hey y'all! So this is basically my first fanfic (not counting the awful one I wrote when I was 13) and I'm actually super excited to write this. I have been diagnosed with Bulimia and EDNOS and am using this fic to write down my thoughts to cope with shit. A lot of this fic is based on my own personal experience with EDs and it MAY BE TRIGGERING so please don't read this if you are currently struggling with an ED.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

 _Where am I? Wait, I need to go after that mugger! What's that noise?_ Suddenly the memory of Peter fainting came back to him. As he opened his eyes, he realized that he was no longer on the street, but rather in the medical section of the Avengers compound.

In the corner of the room, Tony anxiously paced the room while an Asian woman appeared to be reading something off a StarkPad. "Mr Stark?" Peter whispered, "What am I doing here? When did I get here? What happened? I don't even-"

"Woah there kid, slow your roll for a minute. Long story short, you passed out while you were on patrol because your blood sugar levels were fucked up. Your heart rate is also dangerously low, at 40 beats per minute, which is terrifying considering that after the spider bite, your heart rate but unusually high, at 120 beats per minute. Your electrolytes are all over the place and you-" Tony began rambling on about the medical consequences that Peter hadn't even given a second thought about. After all, he was Spider-man, his body should've been able to handle a "little discipline" when it came to food.

"Uh...Mr Stark? I don't know if you know the definition of "short", but I don't think this is it," Peter joked as an attempt to lighten the mood and hopefully delay the conversation he knew was inevitably coming.

"Peter. This is serious. You could've died, and if you keep going on like this, you're going to. It's okay that you're struggling kiddo, and I want to help you. I called May already and explained the situation. This is Katherine Cho, Helen's cousin. She's a doctor that specializes in eating disorders. I'd talk to you myself, but I'm not an expert in eating disorders and despite being a genius, I don't have the qualifications to diagnose you with anything and determine the right treatment program for you. I'll leave you two be," Tony responded seriously.

"Wait? Eating disorder, what? Mr Stark, you can't be serious? I don't have an eating disorder, I just forgot to eat, I swear. I don't need treatment!" Peter exclaimed.

Tony looked Peter in the eye and responded sympathetically, "I know it's hard to admit you have a problem, but you need help Pete, I'm sorry."

Katherine Cho was nice, but she didn't accept Peter's bullshit about "not having an eating disorder", or "having the whole thing under control". Apparently the whole disorder stemmed from control, which Peter could accept, not that he'd admit it out loud. It seemed like Katherine never stopped asking questions. "Have you ever purged?/Any laxative or diuretic abuse?/What kind of restrictions do you have when it comes to food?/Any odd food rituals?" At first, Peter denied everything until he realized that Katherine wasn't going to leave him alone until he was honest. Little by little, the truth behind how the whole thing began came out. It was a difficult thing to admit, and a voice in his head was screaming at him the more he opened up. However, it did feel a bit freeing to let go of the secret that had quickly taken over his life.

"Peter, based on your vitals, lab tests, and frequency of eating disorder symptom use, my typical recommendation would be intensive inpatient care at the Melkat Clinic. However, with your enhancements and mutations, I cannot send you there as they would be unable to accomodate a suitable treatment plan for you, and it would also put your identity at risk. I however, run a residential program over in Brooklyn called The Anna Program and I'd like to admit you today. Mr Stark has already signed all the papers, and if your aunt agrees, you'll go right over there after this session is over."

"Ms Cho, I can't go to a mental hospital! I'm not that bad! Like, I know this looks bad but I promise I'll start eating! And I have school, decathlon, and responsibilities as Spider-man. I can't just drop everything to go into a treatment center. If anything, I'd just be taking the spot of someone who actually needs it and wasting resources." Peter couldn't believe that Katherine had convinced Tony that he needed to be placed in some facility. He finally had admitted that he was sick, but he wasn't _that_ sick. He wasn't even at his goal weight yet.

"I'm sorry Peter, but your test results clearly tell us otherwise, and as a minor, as long as your guardians sign off, you will be placed into treatment, whether it is voluntary or not," Katherine replied.

By the time Peter's evaluation with Katherine was over, Tony had already filled May in on what was going on, and they'd collectively agreed that he be admitted right away. May went back to the Queens apartment to pack Peter's things, and Tony was currently driving Peter to the facility. _I can't believe that they agreed to this without even talking to me. They have no clue if I'm really sick or not because they haven't even talked to me! How can they just expect me to drop everything and go to some hospital that I don't need to be in?_

Peter had refused to talk to Tony the entire car ride, still angry at being blindsided and forced into treatment. That didn't stop Tony from prompting him every five minutes with a "hey kid", or "are you going to ignore me the entire car ride". However, thirty minutes into the ride, Peter finally exploded.

"I can't believe you! So the first thing you do when I'm struggling is send me away? I thought you cared. I thought you were done with the whole 'hands-off parenting' thing after the whole 'Thanos snapped half the universe to dust' shit went down!" Peter was shaking in his rage at his mentor.

Tony looked at Peter like with an expression of pain as if he'd just been stabbed by a knife. "I do care kid, that's why I did this. I knew something was going on with you for a while, you haven't seemed like yourself. You need help kiddo, more than I can give you. Treatment's hard, but it's necessary. Otherwise, things are just going to get worse until you die. That's the hard truth kid. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you again."

"And how would you know? You know nothing about any of this? You can't just control me and force me to go somewhere that I don't need to be! If you'd even bothered to talk to me first, you'd get that I have this whole thing under control! I don't need help, not from this facility, and sure as hell not from you. You know NOTHING!" Peter regretted the harsh words the minute they left his mouth. He wasn't sure where all that anger had come from. Maybe it was the lack of nutrition messing with his brain, or the stress from running his body into the ground that was causing him to lash out so uncontrollably. Either way, the words were out and he couldn't take them back now.

"I do know what it's like kid. I had...have Anorexia Binge/purge subtype. I've struggled with it since I was 14 and I have been hospitalized five times for it. Yeah, it's a miracle that the tabloids didn't find out about it and have a field day with it. I think Howard paid a ghastly amount of money to hide it because he was so ashamed of me for something I couldn't control. I've been in recovery maintenance for the past ten years and I still see a therapist for it. I slip up occasionally but I've been lucky enough to have the support to help me. So maybe we aren't exactly the same, but I know how hard it is to have an eating disorder and how hard it is to even admit that fact. I know I don't say it enough but I love you kid, and the only reason I'm doing all this shit is to help you."

"I'm so sorry Mr Stark! I didn't know!" Peter exclaims regretfully. "But thanks...you know...for caring...and I love you too."

The rest of the car ride goes by rather quickly, and before Peter knows it, they're pulling up to a brown brick building that has a giant sign in front with a design saying "The Anna Program heals eating disorders", and another with a bunch of colorful zigzag lines that said "Recovery isn't linear" underneath.


End file.
